A Blast from the Past

I was going through my old blog over at Xanga, deleting entries when I came across a gem of a story I wrote during my last month of high school, for theater class. I won a Snickers bar for my efforts. Grammar and spelling aren't what they should be, but hey, I wrote it in high school.



A long time ago in a place that does not exist except in the minds of young children and the co-dependent, there was a princess with a major problem. When the princess was born, a bunch of fairies showed up to bestow their fairy-like gifts upon the regal infant. All the fairies from the kingdom were invited, except for one, who was deemed unworthy. This fairy, Beatrice was really mad, and decided that she would not let a simple thing like not being invited to the biggest party of the year keep her from going. So Beatrice showed up, and all the nice fairies hid in the corner.

“Where’s the brat?” Beatrice asked.

“Overrrrrr therrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee,” someone studdered, pointing to a little jewel-encrusted crib where the princess was patiently waiting on her next present.

Beatrice took one enormous step over to the crib and looked down at the kid. The kid looked back, and wondered why Beatrice was not wearing pink like all the other fairies, or even smiling like all the other fairies. Beatrice bent down to get a closer look since her vision was bad and she couldn’t afford laser vision correction. It’s such a drag being an outcast fairy! The princess picked up her little toy scepter and hit Beatrice on the nose with it.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Beatrice screamed, backing away. “That is it! I was actually going to give you a nice present, but since you did that, I’ll just put a curse on you instead! No pair of scissors will ever be able to cut your hair, except for one, and I’m not telling you where it is!” Beatrice then ran off, leaving the princess, her parents and the fairies standing there, stunned.
Princess Hairball, as she became known, was about sixteen when her curse became a real problem. Her hairdresser tried his hardest to find ways to style Hairball’s hair, but the fact was that the sheer weight of her hair was too much for her to stand. She could not hold her head up at all anymore, and had taken to wearing a neck brace just so she could look at people.
On Hairball’s seventeenth birthday, her hair had reached a width that made it impossible to leave her room. She was very sad, and she spent all of her time in her room with her hairdresser, who tried everything other than cutting her hair. After her fifth bleach job, done in an attempt to make Hairball’s hair become so brittle that it would break, Hairball gave up.

One day, five years after Hairball began spending all her time in her room, she received a visitor. She was shocked, since many people had come, claiming to have Beatrice’s magic scissors, but had promptly left, being scared to death by this girl with a bad bleaching job.
Hairball didn’t even get up to greet her visitor, partially because she could not. “I’ll save you princess!” he said, grabbing a huge hunk of hair and snipping it off with the scissors, which resembled hedge trimmers more than scissors. It took several hours, but Hairball was finally able to sit up, and then hold her head up.

“Oh thank you!” Hairball said once she had her first ever haircut. True, it was choppy beyond reason, but Hairball’s hairdresser could fix that.

“Your welcome,” the guy said.

“Yo! Harvey! It’s time to go home!” someone screamed from outside the window. Hairball poked her head out, not remembering the last time she had been able to do that.

“Your name is Harvey?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You’re not even a real prince, are you?”

“Uh, no.”

It didn’t matter, because Hairball and Harvey got married anyway, because no prince wanted to marry Hairball. Not only was Queen Hairball a totally unflattering name, Hairball now had a new hair woe. She could now get her hair cut as often as she wanted, but the five consecutive bleaching were irreversible, and Hairball was doomed to spend the rest of her life with freakishly white hair.